Dolphin Safe

Genre: Science fiction · Activity: Running out of fuel · Object: A can of fish

Maja looked down at the can in her hands. The bespectacled cartoon mascot stared back at her, unblinking.

“What does this mean, ‘dolphin safe’?”

Leif shrugged. “I assume it means the dolphins were kept safe.”

“From what?”

“From being caught, perhaps?”

“But why would they…” Maja’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand—there’s no dolphin in this at all? The little character on the can looks more like a dolphin than it does a tuna. Did you check to see if they had cans of tuna-safe dolphin, maybe?”

“I had the same thought, but…” Leif frowned as his gaze drifted toward the inoperable transdimensional shuttle capsule. The warning light on the translocator drive flashed red.

“But what?”

“Maja… I don’t think they’ve discovered the Oslo reaction on this worldline.”

Maja gasped, dropping the can to clatter across the concrete floor of the garage. “You mean they don’t know?”

“That cetaceans provide the most energy-dense matter on Eørth? No, I don’t think so.”

“But it’s a modern civilization! What the helvete are they using to power everything if they don’t have cetaceium?”

“Well, I did manage to find a bibliotek and get on their version of Wikileksikon. Near as I can tell, they use some sort of combustible fossils?”

“They burn fossils? You mean like rocks?”

“I guess. I’m not exactly clear on how it’s supposed to work.”

“But fossils take millions of years to form. Surely they understand that they’ll eventually run out?”

“Actually, yes, I think they do know. They go to war over the stuff all the time.”

“But dolphins are right there as a renewable resource!”

“I agree, it makes absolutely no sense. I think carbon might just work differently here. They had a bunch of stuff explicitly labeled ‘organic’ at the grocery store, so I have to assume everything else was synthetic.”

“What, as in the rest of their food is inorganic?”

Leif shrugged. “I mean, with everything else I’ve seen… probably?”

Maja massaged her temples, trying to suppress a burgeoning headache. “This whole worldline is knulle ridiculous. There’s got to be a way off it.” Snapping her fingers, she added, “What about pinnipeds? That might work if we tweak the intake regulator. Was there any seal meat at the grocery store?”

Leif grimaced. “I don’t think they eat seal here. They seem to mostly eat…”

“What? What do they eat?”

“Maja, I really don’t think—”

“What do they eat, Leif!”

“…cow and chicken.”

“They eat their pets?!”

“No, on this worldline most pets seem to be something called ‘cats’ and ‘dogs.’”

Maja leaned against the wall and slowly slid to the ground, her eyes staring at nothing. “No dolphin,” she whispered. “No seal. No way home.”

Leif sank down beside her. “No. I don’t think so.”

“We’re knullet.”

“Completely knullet. But the dolphins are safe.”

Together they sat, staring at the blinking warning light. Her hand found Leif’s and held on tight. He squeezed back.

“Leif?”

“Yes?”

“…do you think cow tastes any good?”